fung的blog~

I lost in this fancy world.

I thought I can handle everything well.

But I'm nervous this time.

And I'm not confident enough to see those people in uni again.

cause I suck in all those school work.

I know I need to work as twice as normal people do.

THAT'S HOW I FIND MY OWN CONFIDENCE.

Beside that, I applied for a part-time job recently- air traffic control simulator operator. 

It's for my dream- being a pilot.

BUT I'm afraid of failing this will break me down. AND also break my faith apart.

Please, let me be me.

Let me be the confident ALLISON.

Recently I went to my 'motherland' and visited a bunch of relatives...

Living in the mainland is good because I don't need to worry about everything.

everything means literally everything, studies, works, piano, future... 

But People has to awake. 

I need to get back to the reality.

Thus, I'm back.

Yesterday night, I dated long, bigbro and lok.

We went to a super awesome cafe in Mongkok.

I really love chatting, playing broad games and card games with them.

BTW, Hung Chun didn't come.

She always has variety kind of excuses. AND I'm kinda sick of it.

Sometimes she even as terrible as saying things like 'I don't want to come.'

It's like we were begging her to hang out with us.

COME ON!

Suck it.

I have to admit that it's been a while since the last updated of this blog, which is totally LAME.

Recently, I obsessed with AWKWARD. The American TV comedy. It's worth watching, trust me.

After almost-two-month semester break, I don't even bother to back to school.

Which makes me don't want to go to school at all... I know it's bad. 

Back to school means that I have another brand new round of add/drop period.

And since I've already decided to drop out from Linguistics, I need to study in another Major course. I chose to pick one from Media and Cultural Studies and American Studies.

I probably would choose AS, because it's less workload afterall.

AND I do love the State. I even wanted to immigrant to the U.S. But... except from marrying a white guy, I have no idea how to do that.

Jezz. Help me out.

Here's the problem.

AS requires students to attend the American field trip as the core course. The trip may cost over 30000HKD...

What should I do.

I literally feel desperated. 

Lord. Where are you?

College sucks. 

For now, I just wanna express my feeling abt nowadays society.

You know, the poor just like never gonna success. It is like a circle which stays the same as always...

People with more potential competition, they send their kids to International school, or even let them study aborad. By the way of comparison, people living under the upperhand, study at the local Chinese-based school. And that's way their English can be so poor copmpared to the rich kids.

Even for those who send their childern into local English-based school, they forced them to have a private tutorial lesson. What abt the people live in the poverty? They got no choice but going to do part-time job for extra money.

I feel exteremely sad abt this situation. And this will never gonna change for most of the poor.

I want to do something abt this actually.

I'd love to build a 'home' for people live in Kenya and Cambodia.

I'd like want to teach children on piano and language for free.

But I also found that I am not be able to do all of it as I can barely handle my own stuff.

I really want to travel around the world by being a commercial poilet, to see how the world is actually looks like.

Go for everything you want!

nobody ever tried to understand me...

i hate myself so much.

i angry with the world that i'm living in.

just waana disappear for good.

can i disappear now?

I already cried for six hours, like non-stoping.

Tired and literally dying.

I was wondering... would people ever really forgot your past without sick?

Actually, reading my daily diaries, I have no idea or even any related image about the past...

About those days that I played around with MKL, Lam and Lok...

I can't even imagine how come our four would ever hang out tgt...

I wish I could go back to these old days, which is full of sweet memorise...

Innocent people.

Loud laughing.

Non-offenive chatting.

Same goal.

I miss my old little times.

I miss my high school friends.

I miss the old Yuki Fung Cheung.

NOT this ALLISON CHEUNG.

I miss people who call me Yuki. 

Allison is just still quite strange for me, even it's been already over a year.

Please, LET ME BE A DELIGHTING, POSTITVE, JOYFUL person.

生活在這樣的環境，壓力大得使人想自剎。

和某些帶有無限負面的人生活，痛苦也不可作聲。

真的好累⋯⋯

鋼琴考試⋯⋯

大學測驗⋯⋯

功課匯報⋯⋯

自己的人生⋯⋯

有時候真的會覺得走不下去了⋯⋯想停下來。

想了結束一切⋯⋯

但看DRAMA，電影的時候，又會忘卻一切。

本來報了下年去交流的。

但想了想......

去美國，最少要8m生活費。

我們家庭負擔得起嗎?

為了我一個人，全家可能要超過一年的節衣縮食。

值得嗎?

我又能這麼自私嗎?

 如果是3m，我還能接受。

但8m-10m......是baba or mama一年的工資了。

好煩惱。

不知道你有沒有一種感覺。

有些事情不是你想做好便做得好。

不知道你有沒有一種感覺。

有些人不是你想認識能認識。

不知道你有沒有一種感覺。

有些時候你會脆弱得很。

不知道你有沒有一種感覺。

有些地方你想去但沒有勇氣到達。

不知道你有沒有一種感覺。

有些文字會令你痛入心痱。

我不斷向前跑。

不知目的地在哪裡，

可我仍跑著。

我好像跟著別人的腳步。

有時候，我開始覺得我有點落後了，跟不上了。

那些人郡沒有一個人願意拉著我跑，

因為我們有的步伐一致，目的地卻不一。

有的目的地一致，但步伐不同。

我停下來，思索著種種問題。

然後看到了旁邊的風景。

這是第一次。

第一次我看到的不再是人郡。

我看到了美麗，真我。

但是，我好像再次落後了。

這樣的落後不再像往時一樣，

不論我再怎麼努力的跑，

我也趕不上他們了。

我低著頭，流下一滴，兩滴的淚。

抬頭看看，沒有人了。

然後又落力的跑。

沒有人在旁，自己一個跑的感覺實在太好了。

我跑得起勁。

慢慢我又看見那些人，更超越他們。

我終於看仔細他們的容貌了。

他們都是落著淚，痛苦的抽搐。

看見他們，我不再跑了。

竟然那麼痛苦，為什麼要跑下去?

得到快樂嗎?

沒有。

快樂從來不是來自競爭，也不是來自別人的。

快樂是自己賦予的。